My Thoughts as of Late

I remember when I was a few months pregnant with Jessie I had a friend who was also pregnant, and further along than me. I got on Facebook one day to see that she had lost her baby. That's when I was introduced to that feeling. That feeling that I needed to be very careful how I celebrated and shared my excitement for my pregnancy and motherhood because I had very dear friends who were heartbroken that they were not experiencing what I was. And the last thing I wanted to do was bring them more pain.

Now here I am three and a half years later having experienced myself a lot of that heartache and loss of babies. I don't know why we as women face some of the things we do. I really struggled controlling my anger for God and his plan for me. Why did it seem that some women would only need to get sneezed on and nine months later would have a healthy happy baby. Wasn't I living right? Wasn't I being a pretty good mom to Jessie? Didn't I keep her bathed and clothed and fed? Didn't I give her more love than I never imagined I could? So why was I facing miscarriage after miscarriage? Mingled with that pain was the pain of not getting pregnant, then when I would, I would miscarry.

There have been so many posts lately of women struggling with having kids and my heart is so tender for them. This time around I'm really not sure how I feel. Of course I'm excited for our growing family and to see Jessie as a big sister, but I've also been very anxious and worried everyday that I'll lose this baby just like I have in the past. That feeling eases up the further along I get because in the past I couldn't even make it to 12 weeks, but here I am at almost 27, so this is all uncharted territory. So I'm a bit torn. Along with the excitement mixed with fear and worry for my own stuff, I'm also saddened by what so many other women are going through right now.

If there's anything I've learned from our journey thus far, it's that the Lord is in control and everything is his timing. There are countless blessings that have come to us through our trials. Some of which are that Paul and I are SOOO much closer than we've ever been. When you're faced with pain and confusion and knowing someone is going through the exact same thing, there's nothing left to do but to just hold each other. When you see the pain in another's eyes that you yourself are feeling, it brings you to a whole new level I didn't even know existed. I feel like I'm a better mom to Jessie because I have been reminded that each new baby is truly a miracle and I draw strength from her because I know my body is capable of carrying a baby. I feel like when this little guy comes, I will appreciate him way more than I would have had I not gone through what I have. I read on a friend's blog that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I really haven't had to "fight" for a whole lot in my life, except for this baby that I carry inside me now. So once he is here safe and healthy in my arms, I can finally breath easy and know that the Lord has heard mine and Paul's prayers. Each and every day I carry this baby is a blessing and a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. He is very aware of what I've dealt with as well as what so many other women deal with on their own baby journeys.

I hope this helps anyone who struggles and lets you know you're not alone. I've tasted the sorrow of not being pregnant, but I've also tasted the joy. Trust the Lord. He knows what he's doing.

Some Blogging Therapy

This blog has become more therapeutic for me than anything else. Anytime I feel overwhelmed, or like there is just too much on my mind I think I should blog and sort it out. So if no one reads this, I guess that's not totally the point. I just need to get some feelings out and feel like this is a safer place to do that than on facebook or anywhere else.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm different than I used to be. I don't feel as happy, or as carefree as before, and as I try to figure out why, only one reason seems to make the most sense: my miscarriages. Having three miscarriages in a row has affected me more than I think I realized. My thought process changed and over time has changed me. Quite frankly, I believe it has thrown me into a depression that I never saw coming. And now that it's here, I don't quite know what to do about it. I don't think it has affected Paul quite as much as it has me. I think being the woman and hearing my thoughts all along telling me it's my fault, it's my body that is doing this, to me at least, has gotten Paul off the hook. I know he has felt pain and has been saddened by this, but I feel like I'm the one that's broken and I live with that everyday.

I really honestly try to see things from others perspectives and to try to figure out why they act like they do. Are they under stress? Are they feeling sick? In pain? Are they struggling with anything? Are they tired? Hungry? Hurting? Whatever... I can say I honestly try to look at those factors before judging or looking down on anyone. So I guess that's what is most frustrating to me. I won't lie, I've been through a lot. And I wish all this garbage wouldn't affect me like it has, but it did. I can't necessarily ask to be put in a bubble and never have anyone judge me ever, but I don't know why it's too much to ask for someone to ask "How are you...really?" and not cast the first stone of judgement and criticize. The pain of living with myself and these thoughts I can't shake is hard enough without others looking down on me for it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was just a little more caring and patient and understanding? If people would even stop and put themselves in others shoes for a second, how can they say they would react any different? It's hard to really know for sure how you'd be in any situation unless you're actually in it. I don't know how hard it would be to loose 100 pounds, cuz I've never had to. I don't know how hard it would be to quit smoking/drinking/drugs or whatever cuz I've never had to. But I do know how hard it is to get over 3 miscarriages even with a little girl and husband to help me and I now know the lasting affects of it.

I think I'm going to carry the pain of this trial with me for the rest of my life. It may ease up when I have another child, but to some degree the pain will always be there. As I see the kids that are the same age as my 2 miscarriages would have been and as I see ladies that are as far along in their pregnancies as I would be now, today, it's very, very hard. But I'll put a smile on my face and pretend it doesn't bother me and we will all move on. Please be kind. Please be understanding. Not just to me, but to everyone. Everyone struggles with something that is the hardest thing in the world to them at that very moment.

Life's little and big trials....and little miracles.

I thought I would post about this now A) because it's still fresh in my mind and B) because it's cheaper than therapy. So I'll just get right to it. Early this morning I experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row. Growing up all I've ever wanted to be is a farmer, a country singer, and a mom...in that order. But as I grew, those priorities changed into just one dream; to be a wife and a mother. In October 2007 the first part of that dream came true when I married the most amazing, cutest, nicest, caring, man, Mr. Paul Kennington. Then in August of 2010, the final part of that dream came true when we were blessed with our little miracle, Jessie.

Little did I know then that future pregnancies wouldn't be so easy. Now I have 3 lost pregnancies in my history and I face a future of specialists and tests and time and energy trying to figure out why I can't get past 12 weeks of pregnancy. Now I know I'm not the only one on the planet who faces this, nor am I the only woman who wants a baby and can't seem to get one. There's just a sweetness in being raised in the gospel and having it play such a role in my life while I face this. I can still seem to see the blessings all around me and feel such love for my husband and sweet little girl even in the midst of depression, frustration, and sadness hitting brick wall after brick wall. However, I'll be honest, I find myself looking at others living less than choice lives having as many children as they want (or don't want in some cases). I know I'm not perfect and I'm not living the gospel as well as I could be. Usually after those thoughts come other thoughts such as: But I am doing what I can; Paul and I are teaching Jessie the gospel in our home; We would do anything for our little girl. Then these thoughts and questions follow: Am I not meeting the Lord's expectations? Do we need to be more financially secure? Am I ever going to be a mother again? But the biggest question of all is: WHY?

I hope to get to a point in my life and look back on this time with gratitude and wisdom and most of all, answers. But at this point all I have are fears, sorrow, emptiness, but mixed with all those feeling are moments of immense love for the family I have and my sweet sweet little Jessie. I don't know how I would do this without her and without my strong dependable husband. They are my rock. They keep me laughing through tears and smiling through my lowest moments. I love them with all I have and if Jessie ends up being my one and only child, I will count myself blessed beyond words as I already do.

So here we are at the beginning of this journey. We appreciate the prayers and support as we go forward to find answers and results. Someday soon, I'll be blogging with the good news that we are expecting again and updating the progress of a healthy, full term miracle.

Don't worry, we are still alive and well!

Don't bother pinching yourself. You're not dreaming. I am actually updating our blog. I was recently asked by Grandma Kennington why I haven't updated and that she is always looking wanting to see some recent pictures and updates on what we are up to. So for her, and anyone else interested, here goes! :)

I'll keep the words short and the pictures coming. Jessie is now the lovely age of two and is such a little angel every day! Ok now that would be a dream. She definitely has her moments. More naughty moments than good, but I wouldn't trade a thing. I have a lot to learn and a lot to teach and I hope I can do that well.

The past year has been a little rough for me. Last October I had half my thyroid taken out because of a goiter that was growing somewhat rapidly, so as a result of that the remaining half of my thyroid was not producing the amount of levels that I need. It wasn't really a problem until I went through two miscarriages in a row. So for the past 4 months, I've been on thyroid medicine to try to boost my hormone levels and hopefully keep a pregnancy. The doc has been keeping tabs on how it's looking and adjusting the medication when necessary and last Monday we got the news that things are looking good so we got the go-ahead, if you will, that maybe I could keep a pregnancy. So here's hopin :) 

Ok enough chit chat, here's those pictures I mentioned.

The Blessing of Family

They say that time flies when you're having fun. Well we must be having a blast, because here we are with a 7 month old baby and Paul is halfway through his first semester at Provo College. He is also in the process of applying to get in the Nursing Program next fall there.

I have been thinking a lot lately of how extremely blessed I am. I have an amazing husband, the best baby any first mommy could want, super-amazing in-laws, and to top it all off, the kindest and best parents a girl could ask for. And of course, I can't list my blessings and not mention having a testimony of the fullness of the gospel. I am definitely blessed.

On Christmas Eve, Paul, Jessie and I packed up the last load of our things in Cedar and moved north to the "metro city" of Fillmore Utah, to this house:



With him:



and her:




(The amazing parents I was telling you about) It's still up in the air how long for sure we will be here. But until then, we will watch Jazz games and BYU games and continue the tradition we started of making bread on Sunday afternoons. It's never in the plans of a young family to admit defeat for a time and move back in with the folks, but I am sure grateful that when it happened to us we had folks that didn't hesitate and opened their door and arms to us.

Since being here, Jessie has sure grown! She is eating rice cereal and baby oatmeal and baby veggies like a champ. She has the army crawl down pat and is already showing signs of standing. Just the other day, she pulled herself up and stood. When Grandma and I applauded her, she got a little too excited and proud of herself that she tumbled over. Sheesh, I don't know if I'm ready for her to be to that point yet, but as they say: ready or not, here she comes!

And of course gotta put current pictures of the little one!

More cute pictures:)

With her cousin Casen. He is Paul's cousin Anna's baby and is about a month younger.

So sweet! When I saw this picture, I thought she looks so much like my sister Erin.

She was Eeyore for Halloween.

She loves bath time!

She can even rock her dad to sleep:)

....3 months later.....

I am such a slacker! I've been told that there are frequent visits to our blog to see if I have posted about the baby and such, but here I am Facebooking, and emailing, but not blogging. But I am finally buckling down and doing it. I have over 500 pictures of Jessie on my camera, so it will be hard to choose what to post.

Since I haven't yet told my story, here goes. The morning of August 14 (3 days past due), Paul had gone to work bright and early, and I made plans to organize Jessie's room some more that day. As I laid there in bed trying to talk myself into getting up, subtle pains would come and go, but not in my stomach...in my legs. I thought that was weird, but didn't worry too much about it. I finally got up and going on my day. As it went on the pains were getting stronger in my thighs so I thought what the heck, I'll time them. They were getting around 7 minutes apart and pretty painful. I was kinda getting tired of 'false alarms' already being 3 days past my due date, so having pain in my legs bad enough that I couldn't sit, stand, or lay comfortably and pretty consistently was pretty frustrating to say the least. I found myself praying every time they came asking the Lord to stop messing with me. I ended up calling Paul around 1:00 and told him what was going on. So he came home and after calling both our moms, and the nurses station at the hospital, we decided it wouldn't hurt to go in and get checked.

So I was dilated, but only to a 1, so the plan was to wait an hour, see if there was any change, then decide what to do after that. After an hour I was to a 1 1/2, so not much was happening. At first they were just going to let me go, then my doctor charges in and while gowning up says, "actually we are going to break your water and just have her today". After a mild panic attack, phone calls, and some prayers, I was officially in labor. I want to stop here and just say wow. Contractions hurt! This was about 4:30, and around 5:30 I got my epidural. Want to stop again here and say hallelujah! Pretty sure I heard angels sing when that kicked in! I started progressing pretty fast after that, then before we knew it at 10:49 pm weighing in at 7 lbs 14 oz and 19 inches long Jessie June was born.

Mom and Dad Kennington

Since Paul and I moved into our townhome at the end of January, we've been itchin to have people come visit. Paul's parents have been wanting to, but they have had so much going on that they haven't had a chance...until now. Last Friday the 23rd, they got on the road way early (well, to me it's early) and were here by 10:00. We had breakfast cooking, but when they got here, we were so excited and distracted we burnt the French Toast, so we tried again and after their VIP tour of our place we sat down to eat.

After that we took them up to see Cedar Breaks.



When we got back to town we went to a matinee showing of Toy Story 3. Way cute show if you haven't seen it. Then we went to eat at the Pizza Factory. YUM!

Paul wanted to take advantage of Kirk's help installing some smoke detectors in our house while he was here. So we went to work doing that. We also got a carbon monoxide detector that you are supposed to be able to just plug in, but apparently this one is a tad more complicated because it went off and those things are loud! So we unplugged it, took the battery out, put in back in, took it out did the hokey poky...well after the process we went through to try to get it to work we were desperate. After reading the instructions, we finally realized it was picking up levels of carbon monoxide. Duh!! We had the swamp cooler on and our neighbors were grilling, so it was pulling in the fumes from that. Who knew? It was actually working!

Once we got that figured out, we played some games, then they were off to their motel for the night. The next morning they took us to IHOP for breakfast (Kirk's favorite) Then they were "on the road again"....headed back home.

It was so much fun having them here and for the chance to play host and hostess for a day. We are so grateful for them and for all they do to support us. We love you!!!

The Baby's Room!!!

Ok so I've been wanting to share this for awhile. I am not much of a crafty person, as most of you know, but when there are projects that involve real tools and a big change, I really get into those. So here are the results of the baby room transformation:)

These were the colors the room used to be. Green and ....pink...ew! Haha they actually weren't too bad of colors by themselves, but together it looked really weird. This isn't the best 'before' picture, but you get the idea. Just green and pink walls in the room.

We got to work making the room our own and one that will hopefully be a happy room that our little girl will enjoy being in.

We started painting with a nice basic yellow...

And I do mean 'WE'. I didn't just take pictures the whole time:)

After we got the walls painted, we put up a white bead board....

And finally the finished room!!...

stay tuned....

So I know this shouldn't count as a post, but I just wanted your ears (or eyes) to perk up for there will be an official post coming soon. We have been hard at work getting the house, more specifically the baby's room, ready. We have a day off tomorrow so Paul and I will be sharing with you our experience with plenty of pictures for proof:)

Spoke Too Soon

So in our last post, we mentioned how great the pregnancy is going. Well I guess we might have spoke a little too soon.

Friday night I (Kaylene) got home from work around 7:00, a 9 hour shift that included bagging for 3 hours, and visited with Paul and ate some lazagna that he brought home from his job (the kitchen at the hospital). We visited and ate dinner, and watched some TV, our nightly routine. Then about 11:00 I decided I wasn't feeling too good. So I went downstairs to our bedroom, got in my pajamas and laid down on the bed for a little while. Finally Paul came downstairs to see what was up and helped comfort me. After laying there for awhile I started feeling like I might throw up. So I went to set up camp in the bathroom. There I sat for maybe a half hour or so when I decided I would take a bath. After laying in the warm water for a bit, I started to get relaxed and actually started to fall asleep. I figured maybe the feeling had passed and that maybe I could sleep. I got up, got back in my p.j.s and went to bed. After about an hour of nodding off and waking back up the feeling to upchuck returned. I grabbed the bucket that has found its home on my side of the bed for the night, and commenced to loose my lasagna. Well I soon realized this was no ordinary sour stomach upchucking when I started coming out both ends (sorry if that's TMI, but I have to tell the story right?). This continued for the next 4 hours and after Paul made a trip to Walmart for the sick essentials (Gatorade, crackers, and Sprite) and when those weren't staying down, he made a call to both June AND Karren (both our moms) and a call to the labor and delivery desk at the hospital for advice. By then we decided all of the women we talked to were right-go to the ER.

So we packed up some things (a change of clothes-incase I didn't make it in time- and some of the sick essentials) and headed to the hospital about 4am. I've always been one to put off going to the hospital for as long as possible, worrying that it might not be worth it ar anything serious. But I guess this time was different when my growing baby was involved and could be affected. So off we went and got checked in and right away they took some blood, urine, and 'other' samples, then hooked me up to the IV. By the end of the night, I had 3 bags of IV put in me to replace what fluids I had lost. From the ER doctor we learned that I had some sort of virus, most likely the stomach flu, but they had also found blood in my 'other' sample...ok my poop. I didn't want to say that, but I think it's pretty scary. But that indicates some kind of internal bleeding-maybe an ulcer or something. So that is to be watched.

After the ER doctor had done all he could (including hooking me up with some zofran to help with the throwing up) I was wheeled over to labor and delivery at about 6. There I was hooked up to the monitor to watch for contractions and monitor the baby's heartbeat and I was given more Zofran and a painkiller. We found out that I was having contractions every minute, due to all the throwing up, and that could lead to preterm labor. So they started with a series of shots that would last 15 minutes each that was to calm down the contractions. Well the side effect of the shot was that I would get really shaky and my heartrate would soar. Well that caused me to throw up again (after the second shot of Zofran I mentioned before). So they hesitated giving me the second shot, but after I expressed my trust in the nurse who we worked with and that I would be ok, she gave me the second. That one lasted a lot longer, but did the trick. My contractions had stopped so they didn't have to give me anymore of those. From that point I was to get some sleep and then I would walk around after a couple hours, then get hooked back up to see if that set off any contractions again. Sure enough, it didn't so I was good to go home...finally around 10:30am.

So there ya have it. Our most recent adventure. We came home and slept and I was to wake up every 15 minutes to take a drink because I was so dehydrated still. But now, a full day later, I'm feeling so much better. I'm so grateful I went to the ER (after some coaxing from Paul) and that the doctors and nurses were able to help so much. I love my little baby and am excited to meet her, but NOT YET! She needs to finish getting ready and come to us as healthy as possible:)

Preparing for Baby

Well I am now 29 weeks and getting bigger everyday..and more uncomfortable! (I know all you mothers reading are thinking to yourself...'oh you just wait!' I've heard that a lot) But nonetheless, I am loving every minute especially as she is moving more and more. It looks like she is going to follow in her dads footsteps and be a soccer player with as much as she's kicking! Everything is growing normally and healthy. Mom, baby, and even dad are doing great. I am experiencing some braxton hicks contractions and averaging about 2-3 trips to the potty a night.

As our nesting instincts are kicking in, Paul and I are getting anxious to prepare for her to come. We started on her room with just a pint of sample paint which actually went pretty far. The walls in her room were a weird pink and green which reflected oddly off each other. So we have in mind a nice yellow with a white panelling.

This is the pink and green combo. For some reason every time I went in the room, I got the biggest craving for some pink lemonade and sherbet. I'm not sure why... ;).

So I can't take that much longer, so here are the beginning stages of the transformation:

Had to throw one in of us:)

So there ya have it. Soon we will have it finished and hopefully will improve on how it looks now. With the yellow walls and white paneling, we want to accent the room with daisies somehow, so any ideas would be appreciated:)

We are SOOO stinkin excited for our baby to come and join our family and hope we get everything done in time!

Paul's Birthday

Now that Paul is 25, I don't feel quite so old now that it looks like I'm only 2 years older, instead of the three it looked like when he was 24. (we don't need to share exactly how much older I am;) ) But I'm so grateful that we are together and I will be able to share every birthday with him.

I hope he had a good birthday as I put a little more planning into this one. I felt that with school and the baby on the way, he wasn't getting much attention or praise. So I did a little something for him to boost his morale. I've been wanting to do this for him for awhile now so I finally did! What is it I did?? Well...you just wait...it was good! I'm talking good! No really it was awesome! Ha Ha ok so it wasn't that amazing, but good nonetheless. Ok, Ok, Here's what I did. I asked every member of our family (the Kelly's and Kennington's) to jot down a story or attribute they like in Paul. So over the course of a few weeks, I collected these stories and laughed and cried (but mostly laughed) and was in awe at how amazing he is and has always been.

After I got all these letters via email, I printed them up and printed off some of my favorite pictures of him such as:

Well, I didn't print this one, but I should have!

So I put all these together in a binder and gave him for his birthday. I planned a little hot dog roast up the canyon (one of his favorite things to do) and we had a picnic and read through all the letters. See! I told you it was awesome! :)

It really was a neat thing for him. Half of the stories that were told, he didn't even remember or know about. I was glad I could help him know how much he is loved and admired.

I love you babe and I hope you had a great birthday!!

A Quiet House, Me, and My Thoughts

I sit at home alone on a Friday afternoon thinking. Thinking about things I should be doing. Thinking about things I want to do. Thinking about who I am, what I've done, and what I will do. Thinking about people in my life now and people that have been in my life who are no longer. You know those people who seem to have it all together and are so sure of who they are and what they want in life. Well, I am not one of those people. I've been thinking a lot lately, and for me that's never good. I've been accused of thinking too much and I know that is true. But as I sit here, I want to actually get those thoughts out and just maybe I will stop thinking.....maybe.

What does the future hold for someone like me? What will I accomplish? Who will I help? Who will help me? Will I ever stop living life paycheck to paycheck? Will I reach those goals I have set for myself? Will I ever do those things with my family I have always wanted to do? Will I ever be again the person I used to be? What happened to that person? Where did she go?

As you can see, sitting at home alone on a Friday afternoon is very dangerous for me. Do you ever have afternoons like this? This is me. This is what goes through my head periodically throughout the day, the week, my life. This might be me asking for help. This might just be me being me. I'm not really sure. Why do we face things like this in life? I'm very blessed and I know that. I honestly have not gone through anything traumatic in my life. But still, how does one put on a smile when they don't feel like smiling? How does one laugh when they don't feel like laughing?

These are just some thoughts I've been having and don't know what I really want to accomplish by posting them out there for you to see. Maybe someday I will get a little break from thinking.

SMILE! Baby's First Pictures:)

So by now I'm sure the news is out we are having a girl, but as I promised we would post the ultrasound pictures. Paul and I have been wanting to do this together, but with our crazy schedules, we don't get much time at home together. The time we do get we just want to be lazy and just be together. So here goes. On March 11 at 3:30 in the afternoon Paul, my full bladder, and I headed to the doctors for the most exciting appointment we would have throughout the pregnancy. It was torture while we watched nurse after nurse walk into the waiting room and call back other patients (for more reasons than the full bladder). So Finally our turn came and I all but ran to the room.
I got up on the bed and after I was all prepped for the ultrasound, up on the screen came these pictures:
The nurse obviously enjoyed her job, and the fact that she had the power to continue the torture because she waited til the very end to reveal what Paul and I were so anxious to find out. But finally she put up this picture and asked what our guess was:



I had never paid much attention to ultrasounds I've seen before, so I had no clue. Finally she typed in 'GIRL' and I was so excited! I looked over to Paul and he had the biggest smile I have ever seen across his face. He knew from the very beginning it would be a girl. Looks like she is already wrapped around his little finger:)
After all the business was taken care of, the nurse showed us these incredible 3D pictures:

Already I can see she looks a lot like her dad:)

Funny story about this one. As I looked up at her, I noticed how she was laying and I realized I was laying the exact same. Right hand up under my head and my right leg crossed over my left. Awwww....so precious!

Last but not least...This one is by far my favorite! Notice right behind her ear. What does that look like? ....see it yet? I am convinced it is a thumb and 'someone' is up there watching out for her before she gets to us:)

So there ya have it...finally. I am so excited to bring this little girl into the world and pray that I'm up to the challenge. As the news has gotten out I've had some fun responses such as "now you're going to have to learn how to do hair!" and "what will you do if she is a little 'princess'?" But whatever she brings to our family and whatever I have to learn, I am up for it and thank my Heavenly Father for this amazing responsibility He is trusting Paul and I with and I pray I won't let Him down.

I just want to say one more thing. We have some friends and family members who are struggling at this time with their desire to add to and bring more members to their own families. I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that you know I look up to your great faith and your strength. I hope you also know that as I am so excited and look forward to this baby we will be bringing into our family, know that I feel a bit guilty and saddened for what you are going through. I have found that being pregnant, I have begun to think about things differently, and I am able to feel deeper. I hope this came out the way I intended it to. I am surrounded by amazing men and women who I can't explain why they go through the things they do, but know that I love you and count myself so very blessed for knowing you:)