Some Blogging Therapy

This blog has become more therapeutic for me than anything else. Anytime I feel overwhelmed, or like there is just too much on my mind I think I should blog and sort it out. So if no one reads this, I guess that's not totally the point. I just need to get some feelings out and feel like this is a safer place to do that than on facebook or anywhere else.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm different than I used to be. I don't feel as happy, or as carefree as before, and as I try to figure out why, only one reason seems to make the most sense: my miscarriages. Having three miscarriages in a row has affected me more than I think I realized. My thought process changed and over time has changed me. Quite frankly, I believe it has thrown me into a depression that I never saw coming. And now that it's here, I don't quite know what to do about it. I don't think it has affected Paul quite as much as it has me. I think being the woman and hearing my thoughts all along telling me it's my fault, it's my body that is doing this, to me at least, has gotten Paul off the hook. I know he has felt pain and has been saddened by this, but I feel like I'm the one that's broken and I live with that everyday.

I really honestly try to see things from others perspectives and to try to figure out why they act like they do. Are they under stress? Are they feeling sick? In pain? Are they struggling with anything? Are they tired? Hungry? Hurting? Whatever... I can say I honestly try to look at those factors before judging or looking down on anyone. So I guess that's what is most frustrating to me. I won't lie, I've been through a lot. And I wish all this garbage wouldn't affect me like it has, but it did. I can't necessarily ask to be put in a bubble and never have anyone judge me ever, but I don't know why it's too much to ask for someone to ask "How are you...really?" and not cast the first stone of judgement and criticize. The pain of living with myself and these thoughts I can't shake is hard enough without others looking down on me for it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was just a little more caring and patient and understanding? If people would even stop and put themselves in others shoes for a second, how can they say they would react any different? It's hard to really know for sure how you'd be in any situation unless you're actually in it. I don't know how hard it would be to loose 100 pounds, cuz I've never had to. I don't know how hard it would be to quit smoking/drinking/drugs or whatever cuz I've never had to. But I do know how hard it is to get over 3 miscarriages even with a little girl and husband to help me and I now know the lasting affects of it.

I think I'm going to carry the pain of this trial with me for the rest of my life. It may ease up when I have another child, but to some degree the pain will always be there. As I see the kids that are the same age as my 2 miscarriages would have been and as I see ladies that are as far along in their pregnancies as I would be now, today, it's very, very hard. But I'll put a smile on my face and pretend it doesn't bother me and we will all move on. Please be kind. Please be understanding. Not just to me, but to everyone. Everyone struggles with something that is the hardest thing in the world to them at that very moment.