Tuesday, January 14, 2014

My Thoughts as of Late

I remember when I was a few months pregnant with Jessie I had a friend who was also pregnant, and further along than me. I got on Facebook one day to see that she had lost her baby. That's when I was introduced to that feeling. That feeling that I needed to be very careful how I celebrated and shared my excitement for my pregnancy and motherhood because I had very dear friends who were heartbroken that they were not experiencing what I was. And the last thing I wanted to do was bring them more pain.

Now here I am three and a half years later having experienced myself a lot of that heartache and loss of babies. I don't know why we as women face some of the things we do. I really struggled controlling my anger for God and his plan for me. Why did it seem that some women would only need to get sneezed on and nine months later would have a healthy happy baby. Wasn't I living right? Wasn't I being a pretty good mom to Jessie? Didn't I keep her bathed and clothed and fed? Didn't I give her more love than I never imagined I could? So why was I facing miscarriage after miscarriage? Mingled with that pain was the pain of not getting pregnant, then when I would, I would miscarry.

There have been so many posts lately of women struggling with having kids and my heart is so tender for them. This time around I'm really not sure how I feel. Of course I'm excited for our growing family and to see Jessie as a big sister, but I've also been very anxious and worried everyday that I'll lose this baby just like I have in the past. That feeling eases up the further along I get because in the past I couldn't even make it to 12 weeks, but here I am at almost 27, so this is all uncharted territory. So I'm a bit torn. Along with the excitement mixed with fear and worry for my own stuff, I'm also saddened by what so many other women are going through right now.

If there's anything I've learned from our journey thus far, it's that the Lord is in control and everything is his timing. There are countless blessings that have come to us through our trials. Some of which are that Paul and I are SOOO much closer than we've ever been. When you're faced with pain and confusion and knowing someone is going through the exact same thing, there's nothing left to do but to just hold each other. When you see the pain in another's eyes that you yourself are feeling, it brings you to a whole new level I didn't even know existed. I feel like I'm a better mom to Jessie because I have been reminded that each new baby is truly a miracle and I draw strength from her because I know my body is capable of carrying a baby. I feel like when this little guy comes, I will appreciate him way more than I would have had I not gone through what I have. I read on a friend's blog that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I really haven't had to "fight" for a whole lot in my life, except for this baby that I carry inside me now. So once he is here safe and healthy in my arms, I can finally breath easy and know that the Lord has heard mine and Paul's prayers. Each and every day I carry this baby is a blessing and a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. He is very aware of what I've dealt with as well as what so many other women deal with on their own baby journeys.

I hope this helps anyone who struggles and lets you know you're not alone. I've tasted the sorrow of not being pregnant, but I've also tasted the joy. Trust the Lord. He knows what he's doing.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Some Blogging Therapy

This blog has become more therapeutic for me than anything else. Anytime I feel overwhelmed, or like there is just too much on my mind I think I should blog and sort it out. So if no one reads this, I guess that's not totally the point. I just need to get some feelings out and feel like this is a safer place to do that than on facebook or anywhere else.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm different than I used to be. I don't feel as happy, or as carefree as before, and as I try to figure out why, only one reason seems to make the most sense: my miscarriages. Having three miscarriages in a row has affected me more than I think I realized. My thought process changed and over time has changed me. Quite frankly, I believe it has thrown me into a depression that I never saw coming. And now that it's here, I don't quite know what to do about it. I don't think it has affected Paul quite as much as it has me. I think being the woman and hearing my thoughts all along telling me it's my fault, it's my body that is doing this, to me at least, has gotten Paul off the hook. I know he has felt pain and has been saddened by this, but I feel like I'm the one that's broken and I live with that everyday.

I really honestly try to see things from others perspectives and to try to figure out why they act like they do. Are they under stress? Are they feeling sick? In pain? Are they struggling with anything? Are they tired? Hungry? Hurting? Whatever... I can say I honestly try to look at those factors before judging or looking down on anyone. So I guess that's what is most frustrating to me. I won't lie, I've been through a lot. And I wish all this garbage wouldn't affect me like it has, but it did. I can't necessarily ask to be put in a bubble and never have anyone judge me ever, but I don't know why it's too much to ask for someone to ask "How are you...really?" and not cast the first stone of judgement and criticize. The pain of living with myself and these thoughts I can't shake is hard enough without others looking down on me for it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was just a little more caring and patient and understanding? If people would even stop and put themselves in others shoes for a second, how can they say they would react any different? It's hard to really know for sure how you'd be in any situation unless you're actually in it. I don't know how hard it would be to loose 100 pounds, cuz I've never had to. I don't know how hard it would be to quit smoking/drinking/drugs or whatever cuz I've never had to. But I do know how hard it is to get over 3 miscarriages even with a little girl and husband to help me and I now know the lasting affects of it.

I think I'm going to carry the pain of this trial with me for the rest of my life. It may ease up when I have another child, but to some degree the pain will always be there. As I see the kids that are the same age as my 2 miscarriages would have been and as I see ladies that are as far along in their pregnancies as I would be now, today, it's very, very hard. But I'll put a smile on my face and pretend it doesn't bother me and we will all move on. Please be kind. Please be understanding. Not just to me, but to everyone. Everyone struggles with something that is the hardest thing in the world to them at that very moment.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Life's little and big trials....and little miracles.

I thought I would post about this now A) because it's still fresh in my mind and B) because it's cheaper than therapy. So I'll just get right to it. Early this morning I experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row. Growing up all I've ever wanted to be is a farmer, a country singer, and a mom...in that order. But as I grew, those priorities changed into just one dream; to be a wife and a mother. In October 2007 the first part of that dream came true when I married the most amazing, cutest, nicest, caring, man, Mr. Paul Kennington. Then in August of 2010, the final part of that dream came true when we were blessed with our little miracle, Jessie.

Little did I know then that future pregnancies wouldn't be so easy. Now I have 3 lost pregnancies in my history and I face a future of specialists and tests and time and energy trying to figure out why I can't get past 12 weeks of pregnancy. Now I know I'm not the only one on the planet who faces this, nor am I the only woman who wants a baby and can't seem to get one. There's just a sweetness in being raised in the gospel and having it play such a role in my life while I face this. I can still seem to see the blessings all around me and feel such love for my husband and sweet little girl even in the midst of depression, frustration, and sadness hitting brick wall after brick wall. However, I'll be honest, I find myself looking at others living less than choice lives having as many children as they want (or don't want in some cases). I know I'm not perfect and I'm not living the gospel as well as I could be. Usually after those thoughts come other thoughts such as: But I am doing what I can; Paul and I are teaching Jessie the gospel in our home; We would do anything for our little girl. Then these thoughts and questions follow: Am I not meeting the Lord's expectations? Do we need to be more financially secure? Am I ever going to be a mother again? But the biggest question of all is: WHY?

I hope to get to a point in my life and look back on this time with gratitude and wisdom and most of all, answers. But at this point all I have are fears, sorrow, emptiness, but mixed with all those feeling are moments of immense love for the family I have and my sweet sweet little Jessie. I don't know how I would do this without her and without my strong dependable husband. They are my rock. They keep me laughing through tears and smiling through my lowest moments. I love them with all I have and if Jessie ends up being my one and only child, I will count myself blessed beyond words as I already do.

So here we are at the beginning of this journey. We appreciate the prayers and support as we go forward to find answers and results. Someday soon, I'll be blogging with the good news that we are expecting again and updating the progress of a healthy, full term miracle.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Don't worry, we are still alive and well!

Don't bother pinching yourself. You're not dreaming. I am actually updating our blog. I was recently asked by Grandma Kennington why I haven't updated and that she is always looking wanting to see some recent pictures and updates on what we are up to. So for her, and anyone else interested, here goes! :)

I'll keep the words short and the pictures coming. Jessie is now the lovely age of two and is such a little angel every day! Ok now that would be a dream. She definitely has her moments. More naughty moments than good, but I wouldn't trade a thing. I have a lot to learn and a lot to teach and I hope I can do that well.

The past year has been a little rough for me. Last October I had half my thyroid taken out because of a goiter that was growing somewhat rapidly, so as a result of that the remaining half of my thyroid was not producing the amount of levels that I need. It wasn't really a problem until I went through two miscarriages in a row. So for the past 4 months, I've been on thyroid medicine to try to boost my hormone levels and hopefully keep a pregnancy. The doc has been keeping tabs on how it's looking and adjusting the medication when necessary and last Monday we got the news that things are looking good so we got the go-ahead, if you will, that maybe I could keep a pregnancy. So here's hopin :) 

Ok enough chit chat, here's those pictures I mentioned.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Blessing of Family

They say that time flies when you're having fun. Well we must be having a blast, because here we are with a 7 month old baby and Paul is halfway through his first semester at Provo College. He is also in the process of applying to get in the Nursing Program next fall there.

I have been thinking a lot lately of how extremely blessed I am. I have an amazing husband, the best baby any first mommy could want, super-amazing in-laws, and to top it all off, the kindest and best parents a girl could ask for. And of course, I can't list my blessings and not mention having a testimony of the fullness of the gospel. I am definitely blessed.

On Christmas Eve, Paul, Jessie and I packed up the last load of our things in Cedar and moved north to the "metro city" of Fillmore Utah, to this house:

With him:

and her:

(The amazing parents I was telling you about) It's still up in the air how long for sure we will be here. But until then, we will watch Jazz games and BYU games and continue the tradition we started of making bread on Sunday afternoons. It's never in the plans of a young family to admit defeat for a time and move back in with the folks, but I am sure grateful that when it happened to us we had folks that didn't hesitate and opened their door and arms to us.

Since being here, Jessie has sure grown! She is eating rice cereal and baby oatmeal and baby veggies like a champ. She has the army crawl down pat and is already showing signs of standing. Just the other day, she pulled herself up and stood. When Grandma and I applauded her, she got a little too excited and proud of herself that she tumbled over. Sheesh, I don't know if I'm ready for her to be to that point yet, but as they say: ready or not, here she comes!

And of course gotta put current pictures of the little one!

Monday, November 15, 2010

More cute pictures:)

With her cousin Casen. He is Paul's cousin Anna's baby and is about a month younger.

So sweet! When I saw this picture, I thought she looks so much like my sister Erin.

She was Eeyore for Halloween.

She loves bath time!

She can even rock her dad to sleep:)

....3 months later.....

I am such a slacker! I've been told that there are frequent visits to our blog to see if I have posted about the baby and such, but here I am Facebooking, and emailing, but not blogging. But I am finally buckling down and doing it. I have over 500 pictures of Jessie on my camera, so it will be hard to choose what to post.

Since I haven't yet told my story, here goes. The morning of August 14 (3 days past due), Paul had gone to work bright and early, and I made plans to organize Jessie's room some more that day. As I laid there in bed trying to talk myself into getting up, subtle pains would come and go, but not in my stomach...in my legs. I thought that was weird, but didn't worry too much about it. I finally got up and going on my day. As it went on the pains were getting stronger in my thighs so I thought what the heck, I'll time them. They were getting around 7 minutes apart and pretty painful. I was kinda getting tired of 'false alarms' already being 3 days past my due date, so having pain in my legs bad enough that I couldn't sit, stand, or lay comfortably and pretty consistently was pretty frustrating to say the least. I found myself praying every time they came asking the Lord to stop messing with me. I ended up calling Paul around 1:00 and told him what was going on. So he came home and after calling both our moms, and the nurses station at the hospital, we decided it wouldn't hurt to go in and get checked.

So I was dilated, but only to a 1, so the plan was to wait an hour, see if there was any change, then decide what to do after that. After an hour I was to a 1 1/2, so not much was happening. At first they were just going to let me go, then my doctor charges in and while gowning up says, "actually we are going to break your water and just have her today". After a mild panic attack, phone calls, and some prayers, I was officially in labor. I want to stop here and just say wow. Contractions hurt! This was about 4:30, and around 5:30 I got my epidural. Want to stop again here and say hallelujah! Pretty sure I heard angels sing when that kicked in! I started progressing pretty fast after that, then before we knew it at 10:49 pm weighing in at 7 lbs 14 oz and 19 inches long Jessie June was born.