I remember when I was a few months pregnant with Jessie I had a friend who was also pregnant, and further along than me. I got on Facebook one day to see that she had lost her baby. That's when I was introduced to that feeling. That feeling that I needed to be very careful how I celebrated and shared my excitement for my pregnancy and motherhood because I had very dear friends who were heartbroken that they were not experiencing what I was. And the last thing I wanted to do was bring them more pain.
Now here I am three and a half years later having experienced myself a lot of that heartache and loss of babies. I don't know why we as women face some of the things we do. I really struggled controlling my anger for God and his plan for me. Why did it seem that some women would only need to get sneezed on and nine months later would have a healthy happy baby. Wasn't I living right? Wasn't I being a pretty good mom to Jessie? Didn't I keep her bathed and clothed and fed? Didn't I give her more love than I never imagined I could? So why was I facing miscarriage after miscarriage? Mingled with that pain was the pain of not getting pregnant, then when I would, I would miscarry.
There have been so many posts lately of women struggling with having kids and my heart is so tender for them. This time around I'm really not sure how I feel. Of course I'm excited for our growing family and to see Jessie as a big sister, but I've also been very anxious and worried everyday that I'll lose this baby just like I have in the past. That feeling eases up the further along I get because in the past I couldn't even make it to 12 weeks, but here I am at almost 27, so this is all uncharted territory. So I'm a bit torn. Along with the excitement mixed with fear and worry for my own stuff, I'm also saddened by what so many other women are going through right now.
If there's anything I've learned from our journey thus far, it's that the Lord is in control and everything is his timing. There are countless blessings that have come to us through our trials. Some of which are that Paul and I are SOOO much closer than we've ever been. When you're faced with pain and confusion and knowing someone is going through the exact same thing, there's nothing left to do but to just hold each other. When you see the pain in another's eyes that you yourself are feeling, it brings you to a whole new level I didn't even know existed. I feel like I'm a better mom to Jessie because I have been reminded that each new baby is truly a miracle and I draw strength from her because I know my body is capable of carrying a baby. I feel like when this little guy comes, I will appreciate him way more than I would have had I not gone through what I have. I read on a friend's blog that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I really haven't had to "fight" for a whole lot in my life, except for this baby that I carry inside me now. So once he is here safe and healthy in my arms, I can finally breath easy and know that the Lord has heard mine and Paul's prayers. Each and every day I carry this baby is a blessing and a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. He is very aware of what I've dealt with as well as what so many other women deal with on their own baby journeys.
I hope this helps anyone who struggles and lets you know you're not alone. I've tasted the sorrow of not being pregnant, but I've also tasted the joy. Trust the Lord. He knows what he's doing.
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