I thought I would post about this now A) because it's still fresh in my mind and B) because it's cheaper than therapy. So I'll just get right to it. Early this morning I experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row. Growing up all I've ever wanted to be is a farmer, a country singer, and a mom...in that order. But as I grew, those priorities changed into just one dream; to be a wife and a mother. In October 2007 the first part of that dream came true when I married the most amazing, cutest, nicest, caring, man, Mr. Paul Kennington. Then in August of 2010, the final part of that dream came true when we were blessed with our little miracle, Jessie.
Little did I know then that future pregnancies wouldn't be so easy. Now I have 3 lost pregnancies in my history and I face a future of specialists and tests and time and energy trying to figure out why I can't get past 12 weeks of pregnancy. Now I know I'm not the only one on the planet who faces this, nor am I the only woman who wants a baby and can't seem to get one. There's just a sweetness in being raised in the gospel and having it play such a role in my life while I face this. I can still seem to see the blessings all around me and feel such love for my husband and sweet little girl even in the midst of depression, frustration, and sadness hitting brick wall after brick wall. However, I'll be honest, I find myself looking at others living less than choice lives having as many children as they want (or don't want in some cases). I know I'm not perfect and I'm not living the gospel as well as I could be. Usually after those thoughts come other thoughts such as: But I am doing what I can; Paul and I are teaching Jessie the gospel in our home; We would do anything for our little girl. Then these thoughts and questions follow: Am I not meeting the Lord's expectations? Do we need to be more financially secure? Am I ever going to be a mother again? But the biggest question of all is: WHY?
I hope to get to a point in my life and look back on this time with gratitude and wisdom and most of all, answers. But at this point all I have are fears, sorrow, emptiness, but mixed with all those feeling are moments of immense love for the family I have and my sweet sweet little Jessie. I don't know how I would do this without her and without my strong dependable husband. They are my rock. They keep me laughing through tears and smiling through my lowest moments. I love them with all I have and if Jessie ends up being my one and only child, I will count myself blessed beyond words as I already do.
So here we are at the beginning of this journey. We appreciate the prayers and support as we go forward to find answers and results. Someday soon, I'll be blogging with the good news that we are expecting again and updating the progress of a healthy, full term miracle.
Howdy Spring
10 months ago
Miss Kaylene, I know your thoughts and feeling well, can I just say that there is hope :) If you have a 20 kids or 1 kid, you and Paul are great parents and your child(ren) will know the love of heavenly father and of good parents. Sometimes you have to put up a fight to get what you want :) Heavenly father knows your heart, knows your wants and needs and he knows what you can handle, try to be patient and understanding of God's plan for you. I love you, I am so sorry for your losses.
ReplyDeleteThanks Crystal. I know there is hope. Sometimes more than others. I just see a lot of worthy, solid couples out there who can't have, our are struggling to have children and I just really don't understand why. I know the Lord wants kids in gospel centers homes, so there must be a reason he's not putting them there yet, but I don't know what that is and struggle to not get too hung up and frustrated with that.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and many hugs to both you and Paul. I'm not very good with the "why's." All I know is that we are loved. I think you are wise in clinging to the gospel and to the family you do have through this experience. We will pray for your physical recovery over the next while, as well as comfort and peace.
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