Some Blogging Therapy

This blog has become more therapeutic for me than anything else. Anytime I feel overwhelmed, or like there is just too much on my mind I think I should blog and sort it out. So if no one reads this, I guess that's not totally the point. I just need to get some feelings out and feel like this is a safer place to do that than on facebook or anywhere else.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm different than I used to be. I don't feel as happy, or as carefree as before, and as I try to figure out why, only one reason seems to make the most sense: my miscarriages. Having three miscarriages in a row has affected me more than I think I realized. My thought process changed and over time has changed me. Quite frankly, I believe it has thrown me into a depression that I never saw coming. And now that it's here, I don't quite know what to do about it. I don't think it has affected Paul quite as much as it has me. I think being the woman and hearing my thoughts all along telling me it's my fault, it's my body that is doing this, to me at least, has gotten Paul off the hook. I know he has felt pain and has been saddened by this, but I feel like I'm the one that's broken and I live with that everyday.

I really honestly try to see things from others perspectives and to try to figure out why they act like they do. Are they under stress? Are they feeling sick? In pain? Are they struggling with anything? Are they tired? Hungry? Hurting? Whatever... I can say I honestly try to look at those factors before judging or looking down on anyone. So I guess that's what is most frustrating to me. I won't lie, I've been through a lot. And I wish all this garbage wouldn't affect me like it has, but it did. I can't necessarily ask to be put in a bubble and never have anyone judge me ever, but I don't know why it's too much to ask for someone to ask "How are you...really?" and not cast the first stone of judgement and criticize. The pain of living with myself and these thoughts I can't shake is hard enough without others looking down on me for it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was just a little more caring and patient and understanding? If people would even stop and put themselves in others shoes for a second, how can they say they would react any different? It's hard to really know for sure how you'd be in any situation unless you're actually in it. I don't know how hard it would be to loose 100 pounds, cuz I've never had to. I don't know how hard it would be to quit smoking/drinking/drugs or whatever cuz I've never had to. But I do know how hard it is to get over 3 miscarriages even with a little girl and husband to help me and I now know the lasting affects of it.

I think I'm going to carry the pain of this trial with me for the rest of my life. It may ease up when I have another child, but to some degree the pain will always be there. As I see the kids that are the same age as my 2 miscarriages would have been and as I see ladies that are as far along in their pregnancies as I would be now, today, it's very, very hard. But I'll put a smile on my face and pretend it doesn't bother me and we will all move on. Please be kind. Please be understanding. Not just to me, but to everyone. Everyone struggles with something that is the hardest thing in the world to them at that very moment.

Life's little and big trials....and little miracles.

I thought I would post about this now A) because it's still fresh in my mind and B) because it's cheaper than therapy. So I'll just get right to it. Early this morning I experienced my 3rd miscarriage in a row. Growing up all I've ever wanted to be is a farmer, a country singer, and a mom...in that order. But as I grew, those priorities changed into just one dream; to be a wife and a mother. In October 2007 the first part of that dream came true when I married the most amazing, cutest, nicest, caring, man, Mr. Paul Kennington. Then in August of 2010, the final part of that dream came true when we were blessed with our little miracle, Jessie.

Little did I know then that future pregnancies wouldn't be so easy. Now I have 3 lost pregnancies in my history and I face a future of specialists and tests and time and energy trying to figure out why I can't get past 12 weeks of pregnancy. Now I know I'm not the only one on the planet who faces this, nor am I the only woman who wants a baby and can't seem to get one. There's just a sweetness in being raised in the gospel and having it play such a role in my life while I face this. I can still seem to see the blessings all around me and feel such love for my husband and sweet little girl even in the midst of depression, frustration, and sadness hitting brick wall after brick wall. However, I'll be honest, I find myself looking at others living less than choice lives having as many children as they want (or don't want in some cases). I know I'm not perfect and I'm not living the gospel as well as I could be. Usually after those thoughts come other thoughts such as: But I am doing what I can; Paul and I are teaching Jessie the gospel in our home; We would do anything for our little girl. Then these thoughts and questions follow: Am I not meeting the Lord's expectations? Do we need to be more financially secure? Am I ever going to be a mother again? But the biggest question of all is: WHY?

I hope to get to a point in my life and look back on this time with gratitude and wisdom and most of all, answers. But at this point all I have are fears, sorrow, emptiness, but mixed with all those feeling are moments of immense love for the family I have and my sweet sweet little Jessie. I don't know how I would do this without her and without my strong dependable husband. They are my rock. They keep me laughing through tears and smiling through my lowest moments. I love them with all I have and if Jessie ends up being my one and only child, I will count myself blessed beyond words as I already do.

So here we are at the beginning of this journey. We appreciate the prayers and support as we go forward to find answers and results. Someday soon, I'll be blogging with the good news that we are expecting again and updating the progress of a healthy, full term miracle.